Carolyn Hax: ‘Footloose’ boyfriend is anxious about being tied down

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Expensive Carolyn: My boyfriend and I’ve been collectively for 3 years. I’m in my late 20s, he’s in his early 30s, neither of us needs kids or cares about marriage. Earlier than our relationship, he was very footloose. He can do his job from wherever, and he shared an house with a cousin, so he was used to taking off each time he felt prefer it.

He not too long ago let me know that he feels, particularly after he moved in with me two years in the past, that he’s now not capable of do what he needs when he needs. That is true; the home usually wants upkeep, I work in a laboratory and have to be on-site virtually on daily basis, and I’ve two canines as nicely. That stuff ties you down, so I prompt he do one journey with out me each month or I’ll be a part of him once I’m off work and might prepare canine care.

However that each one includes having to plan forward, which is “a part of the issue.” I requested him if he was making an attempt to let me know he needed to interrupt up, and he was actually harm and warranted me he liked me and needed to be with me.

I requested him what would make him blissful, and he mentioned he doesn’t know but; he simply needed to inform me how he’s feeling so I’m conscious and we might brainstorm collectively, however he doesn’t like several of the options I’ve provided. The dialog was left unresolved, and I’m nervous his emotions will flip into resentment if we are able to’t give you an answer. Is there some reply I’m lacking?

Not Footloose: Since marriage and youngsters aren’t occurring, why can’t he simply come and go as he pleases? Is that an excessive amount of planning for him, or too little boyfriend for you?

You reside your life because it fits you, and he lives his life because it fits him, and also you get pleasure from one another’s occasional firm and full-time contentment.

This isn’t essentially incompatible with the duties of a home and pets. It simply means they’re your own home (cowl your self legally) and your pets, and he contributes a mutually acceptable share of the maintenance — in money or effort.

{Couples} are happier once they do no matter works for them, mutually, onlookers be d—ed. But when the non-boyfriend boyfriend just isn’t your factor, then that’s not your factor — no judgment both means.

Tell us: What’s your favorite Carolyn Hax column about breakups?

Re: Footloose: Marriage, mortgages and youngsters are irrelevant right here.

Until you’re extraordinarily rich, EVERY grown grownup has to plan forward for one thing in life: meals, taxes, shelter, clothes, work, cash, journey plans, transportation, pet care, and so forth. I discover it very arduous to imagine he wasn’t doing that earlier than you. He was, simply on his phrases to get what he needs.

I sincerely hope I’m studying this fallacious, but it surely appears like he’s capturing down any answer that includes him doing one thing within the hopes you’ll do all of it for him so he can go off and do no matter, each time he needs.

Nameless: Thanks for saying this. I referred to as him Peter Pan a few instances and backspaced, as a result of they both discover mutually agreeable phrases or they don’t and that may settle it, no matter what I consider anybody’s maturity. However you’re completely proper to flag that he’s capturing down all of the letter author’s strategies. The mature factor is to commerce concepts, not say, “No,” “No,” “I don’t know!” whereas a accomplice does all of the brainstorming work. He could also be tipping his hand that he needs out — with out having to personal it. (Theme alert.)